One of the ways I am messed up is my pure and undying faith that I will mess up.
(headspace TMI follows)
I realized today that one of the consequences is that, in my head, every time I succeed it’s because I somehow cheated. And I become terrified that Someone Out There will find out, and take my success away, because I don’t deserve it.
Yep, that’s messed up.
But I am way less messed up than I used to be. And one of the ways /that/ has manifested is that I am grateful for this tiny, messed up insight, because it’s in the light with all it’s messed-upness exposed, and it somehow looks dealable. I can do this, I can move past this if not break the little monster’s back.
I can do this.
A tiny little kick into the revelation was finding the piece of embroidery I did so many years ago at school. It’s simple, and it’s childish – hey, I was a child – and remembering that I enjoyed it was what got me back to embroidery. Which has become an insanity vaccine. I can do this, too.
Not much, at the moment, because I am studying hard. But I can, and that’s all that matters, tonight.