08 June 2010

A revelation

One of the ways I am messed up is my pure and undying faith that I will mess up. 
(headspace TMI follows)

I realized today that one of the consequences is that, in my head, every time I succeed it’s because I somehow cheated.   And I become terrified that Someone Out There will find out, and take my success away, because I don’t deserve it.
Yep, that’s messed up.

But I am way less messed up than I used to be.  And one of the ways /that/ has manifested is that I am grateful for this tiny, messed up insight, because it’s in the light with all it’s messed-upness exposed, and it somehow looks dealable.  I can do this, I can move past this if not break the little monster’s back.

I can do this.

A tiny little kick into the revelation was finding the piece of embroidery I did so many years ago at school.  It’s simple, and it’s childish – hey, I was a child – and remembering that I enjoyed it was what got me back to embroidery.  Which has become an insanity vaccine.  I can do this, too.

Not much, at the moment, because I am studying hard.  But I can, and that’s all that matters, tonight.

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