22 May 2010

I wish I was on yonder hill

Practical Brother's emergency has left me a little off-kilter, especially as I'm not quite 100% myself.  Also found myself counseling a couple of friends, and not being used to it and tired to boot… well.  I'm feeling particularly lonely today.

Although I share a house, and with family, it's not the same.  The family culture is pretty stiff-upper-lip and I always feel a little… disconnected.  Although there's never any doubt that we love each other.  There's just such a strong resistance to showing it.

And I really, really miss my man.  We're celebrating 12 years together this year, and having to spend the last 2 of them so far apart really sucks toxic pond slime.  It's a physical ache as well, for the countless tiny gestures that build our lives together.  Brushing his shoulder as I go past him.  Spontaneous hugs.  The sight of those awesome arms which are equally delicious hugging me or working on the latest machine or making something magic in the kitchen.  The way I feel my face light up when he walks into the room.  The way he can come up with a chirp that surprises me into a bark/cackle of laughter - and that he can still do that, 12 years on. His support and encouragement, and his need for my support and encouragement.  The way our strengths and weaknesses just… slot into each other, that we complement each other so wonderfully.  Just being so easy with each other.  And trust. 

I see it with Practical Brother and his girlfriend and boy I am jealous.

I love being at university again, and it's good being so close to my family again, and I'm deeply grateful that I had the opportunity, even though it meant moving away, and it's good being so close to my family again.  But, even so.  Lonely.

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